I actually forgot?!!!

OMG I forgot your birthday?!! I never thought that would ever happen. Wow!

...

An end to an almost 2 years dry spell with bad sex.

Yes, so I slept with you. How was it? Bad. Did I have fun? No. So I had some expectations. But I most certainly wasn't prepared for such a huge disappointment. It almost felt like we didn't have sex at all. Hell, I had more fun just making out with you.

And how did I feel aftermath? I actually don't feel anything. I thought I might feel a little something to a certain extent. Used, hurt, want, longing, jealousy, hate, shame, guilt. But... niente. I feel nothing. It's almost like I can have sex like a man. I wonder if I can.

I don't feel used. Cos it was a 2 way street. I wanted you as much as you had wanted me.

I'm not hurt. Cos you don't mean anything to me.

I don't long for nor want more. I don't long for nor want you. Cos it wasn't good.

I thought I'd be jealous of your girlfriend but I'm not. Cos you still don't mean anything to me even after sex. (I thought being the girl I am, you might mean more to me after sex.)

I don't hate you cos I didn't care for you in the first place. I don't hate myself for doing what I did cos I didn't get hurt in the process. I don't even hate you for leaving right after and for not calling. Cos I had expected nothing of you. It was rude, yes. But I guess somewhere deep down, I knew it was coming.

I'm not ashamed and I feel no guilt. Cos that's for you to feel.

Now, will I still talk to you? Will I still be friends with you? I don't know. I don't know if I want to. For throwing my friends out, for leaving right after, and for not calling, I feel I should (rightfully?) cut all contacts with you (as a reasonable, practical and logical person?). But on the other hand... on the other hand... I usually only do that if I'm angry or hurt. Which I'm not. So we'll see.

Have I lost you?

I feel like I've lost you...

The bond between us is no longer there, the closeness gone, the silence awkward.
Is it just the ocean between us or has something happened? Have I done something to piss you off or to hurt you?

Tell me, darling... what's wrong? I don't wanna lose you. I don't want our 20 years of friendship to fade just like that. I love you.

Waking up to the smell of coffee (literally)

Ahhhhh~~~~ that would be just heavenly...

Waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and omelette (or whatever else) on the stove, by my very own man...

MMmmmmmm~~~ almost as good as an orgasm... :)

I wanna go home for easter!!!!!!!

Stop going to KL, u damned hongkies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've tripled the ticket prices!!

The war within

Me: All I want is just to have fun.

A: At the expense of someone else?

D: The world is unfair. There's just too many people to care about. Why should I care about everyone else? I should only care about me. About what I want. I've spent all my life thinking of everyone else's feelings!

A: What goes around comes around.

D: Fuck that. It already came.

It shouldn't be me

“…Oh n btw, next week onwards I won't be online n no sms cos u know... don't want trouble…”

What was that? Did u think I was stupid enough to do all that knowing she's gonna be with you? Did u think u had to warn me not to? Wait a sec... you shouldn't even be doing any shit with me if you were worried about getting into trouble. Hell you shouldn't even want to do shit with me in the very first place!!!!

So why am I doing shit with you? As the feminist I am, I realise I shouldn't. I always think about how your girlfriend would feel if she found out. Sure we're not going all the way, although that's only cos I haven't allowed it. But... how would she feel if she found out you wanted someone else? How would I feel if I had been going out with a guy for so long and found out that he wants someone else? I picture you bringing her out with your group of friends, all knowing about me. All liking me better. With one of your closest friend wishing you'd dump her and be with me instead. How would I feel if I were in her shoes? Horrible. Devastated. Heart broken. Broken beyond words.

And then I think... why should your guilt conscience lie on me? You should be worrying about all that. Not me.

Are all men assholes?

“I wish I was there to keep you warm.. I'll do more than keep you warm..”

I wish you meant more than just you want to get into my pants.

Are all men asshole?

You have a girlfriend of 5 long years, a girlfriend who's already shopping for a wedding band. A girlfriend whom, just an hour before you said those words to me, you were reminiscing of to my best friend. Of how the two of you had fun in Paris. Of how you missed taking her on trips with you.

Why do all men appear so sweet in front of you when behind all those sugary words and charming smiles, lurk assholes who just want to get into your pants?

1/4

I'm officially a quarter of a century old.

I have moved on to the next age box.

I can no longer say I'm in my early twenties.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

How could an angel break my heart?

I heard he sang a lullaby
I heard he sang it from his heart
When I found out, I thought I would die
Because the lullaby was mine
I heard he sealed it with a kiss
He jelly kissed her cherry lips
I found it so hard to believe
Because his kiss belonged to me

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch my falling stars?
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished that love apart
How could an angel break my heart?

I heard her face was white as rain
Soft as the rose that blooms in May
He keeps her picture in a frame
And when he sleeps he calls her name
I wonder if she makes him smile
The way he used to smile at me
I hope she doesn't make him laugh
Because his laugh belongs to me

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch my falling stars?
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Baby I wish that love apart
How could an angel break my heart?

Oh, my soul is dying, it's crying
I'm trying to understand
Please help me
How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch my falling stars?
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished that love apart
How could an angel break my heart?

That was the song my heart sang for almost 2 whole years.

I realise today that that song has been dead for quite a while now.

You are dead to me.

I may not have it all, but it's close enough

I sit at my bay window. I puff at my ciggie. I look down at the passing traffic – cars, cabs, busses with their fog lights on. I see people walking by, wrapped up in bubble jacket, totting umbrellas. I look over at the public swimming pool – it's empty, the pool drained out. I see buildings enveloped in fog. I see the green green hill, top covered in white white fog. I watch the drizzling rain. And was that snow I see? The slightest little droplets of white floating around, teased by the cold cold wind. No, it can't be snow. But I'd like to think it is. I smile as I feel the icy cold breeze against my face. I smile watching my breath vaporise. I feel like a little girl, watching her first winter. I take a look around my flat. I'm in love.

It's not snow but it's close enough.

I don't have it all, but it's close enough.

*smiles*